We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
