if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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