I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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