I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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