I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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