we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
