i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
