Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
