idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
