I murdered the dance floor call the cops
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
