I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
