I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
