I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
