Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
