Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
