Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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