I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
50% drunk capacity currently
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
