i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
