my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
