i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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