look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
