i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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