the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
