There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
