it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
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We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
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Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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