if i can run in heels then i can drive
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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