When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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