the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
