Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
