you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
