I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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