I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
