ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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