well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
