epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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