I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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