He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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