Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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