someone threw a dead crab at me
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
