i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
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