For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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