She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
