He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
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Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
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I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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