I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
