Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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