I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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