can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
my liver is dry heaving
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
