We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
