I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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