I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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