I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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