when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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