My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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