I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I look excited, but its just a facade.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
