Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
