I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
