i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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