i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
