Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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