well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
